I like it! The battle of everyday life is overwhelming and using war imagery shows the grit we all have to get up and face it!
reading this I felt like a pirate hungover and watching the sunrise on some tropical beach
You are correct, the ocean imagery has nothing to do with six in the morning (other than I live near the ocean and have spent many a sleepless nights sitting and watching the sunrise there). After reading through the other posts, I do think I missed the mark a little on relating to six AM, and more generally just dawn (which, currently here is around 7:10), so it is not even correct timing. Thank you for your feedback, and I will definitely keep it in mind for the next exercise.
The dew bringing life to the day by bringing life to the world is a super strong image, especially with your simile. That second sentence also brings a peace that comes with a new day, the “toxins of modernity” is a cool image, and I feel the cathartic sting in my chest. That final contrast of coffee as a sedative is wonderfully composed and shows the energetic appreciation of the dawning new day.
The phone excitedly sings and dances its way across the bedside table, the table which stoically absorbs such pneumatic vibration. Panic sets in as I blindly reach to diffuse this screaming device, fumbling around books and knocking objects until I clutch the offending machine, pressing any available button in a desperate plea for a moments more silence. The dream I was having fades through the haze of my mind as my eyes peep open to see the curtains off-duty with no invading light this early from which to defend me from.
Hi Andrew and welcome to the community
Well done getting started! Yes the main thing we are trying to do is to tap into our senses, the hypothesis being that the closer we can communicate our raw sensory experience to the reader/listener, the more they will engage with the words on the page. I’ve written a little bit about the art of object writing here. The rays coming through the curtain paint a vivid picture - so more of that is what we are after
Well done and I look forward to reading more tomorrow!
I really like how you have stayed consistent with the metaphor all the way through. Later on in the course the exercises involve talking about one object using the language world of another object (spoiler alert), so this is a great primer.
I think the last sentence is my highlight! You’ve really captured that sense of just not being able to move - well done!
A really optimistic look at the new day, I like this a lot. Coffee as a sedative is beautifully crafted well done!
I really like the contrast of this with @Tofu4’s rendition. The drinking coffee as a sedative to the beauty of the day vs trying to find the beauty through the blurred and throbbing aftermath of the whiskey. Very descriptive from the sensory point of view though great work!
Really dig the anthropomorphised phone at the beginning. The use of the word pneumatic is cool because of the etymology meaning spirit of life for the inanimate objects. The clumsy grasping at everything except that which you want to grab is definitely something most people can connect with. Super nice negative wording about the the curtains and the darkness. Well done!
I like how the dream fades through the haze of your mind shows the slow burn of waking rather than the abrupt waking
I feel comfort, and pleasure. A familiar face, place and time. Like I’m floating through a warm river. BEEP. BEEP. I’m jerked into a cold reality. BEEP. Sirens assaulting my brain. I’m lying on my back, but I’ve lost my balance. Round and round I go. I think I might throw up. BEEP! The warmth in my chest drains out. I sigh heavy. It’s black everywhere. Just cold, bitter black. My head is throbbing. My mouth tastes like terrible decisions and drought. I angrily grip the soft sheets. I clench my jaw and hear my teeth grinding against each other like bricks. I close my eyes, desperate to drift back into the warm dream.
The weight of obligation slaps my cheeks. It stings. BEEP. I hold my breath in defiance. A sliver of yellow light pierces through my blinds and begins to scream at me. I cover my ears.
@WLDFLOW3R The first sentence is a little more “tell-y” than “show-y”, but that is ok. We are all learning. I think the next sentence actually describes a comfortable and pleasurable feeling with visual imagery. The harshness of the alarm jerking you out of a warm river of weightlessness is really cool. My favorite part is that groggy feeling “lying on my back” but “[losing] balance”. That is an amazing line. The mouth tasting like terrible decisions and drought is another really nice sensory image that pulls us in. Great job! I hope you are having a great time doing these and learning some things to help you along the way.
I am really loving it! I know I don’t respond very often, (I don’t want to clog up the feed) but I sincerely appreciate all the feedback, and the fact you are taking time to read what I’m writing, so thank you! I enjoy reading all of your writings as well. These style of exercises seem to be helpful and challenging for me.
Ha. Just wait until you get to the other kinds! Difficulty rises, but so does the fun
Consciousness wakes me, stilly stirring, my heart and breath work in tandem, making love together as we return from the cousin of death. My alarm blaring any minute, piercing the sleep cycle as the coffee maker weeps, her aroma filling the space. My body rolls under linen sheets, airy and warm as my body interlocks with yours. Holding on to this for just one more minute before it’s gone.
The tension in your first line is great, the “stilly sirring” adding the conflict and the heart and breath in tandem adds harmony. Those two concepts often lead to great lines! The audible sense piercing sleep is another really great image. You carry that tension all the way through, giving no break or resolve. That is really cool. I could see this being a verse in a song, where the tension gets broken in the bridge, or maybe even the chorus. Great job!
Just a–very, very late–note, Pat Pattison Really kinda states that we don’t even have to be true to the topic when he suggests this exercise.
I think what he is getting at really is the overall ability to access a kind of sensory semantic chain in which one sense primes another until we can pick any link we want at will.
If your association with the morning is the ocean, I think that falls perfectly in line with the exercise. (although it may be helpful to try to make the temporal connection more obvious)
The violent reverberations of a mini-earthquake hum their dissonant mantra against the harmony of the sweet siren’s song of heavy cotton warmth and soft, silken clouds. My eyes stay sealed in my best effort to will the phone out of existence until I cycle through the stages of grief—grief of dreams forgotten and a temporary existential respite. I throw off the protective layers, eyeing the alarm’s description below the digitized vertically outstretched arms. ‘Practice Keys’ sprawls across the screen, a remnant of midnight’s motivation sent from a more optimistic me—thanks for the kind words, maybe next time go to bed on time instead. I wade to the sink as if through a bog and prime myself for the day. I trace the cool spring waterfall into my stomach. My roommate’s hints of Brazil’s finest tickle my nose tauntingly, a reminder of the 5 long days of abstinence.