"Who" Writing - Cyclist

Sorry it is taking me longer to review. This is interesting because what I’m seeing is more of a serious biker with pedal locks. The click is cool because it is auditory, but also tactile when you read the next sentence, you feel that little click on the balls of your feet. You have a lot going on in the third sentence, it is fun because it gives the reader a sense of being pretty confused or hectic, but that can also be a little overwhelming sometimes. The comfort at the close of your body finding harmony is a nice rap up.

It’s funny when I ride a road bike the clicking my feet in is the opposite of knowing I am safe - it is being locked to the bike with no escape from the danger zone! Some nice sensory descriptions in here - it would be nice to expand on sensations such as the early cramp - which I can absolutely relate to but I feel could be painted out more perhaps. Some nice use of organic and kinaesthetic senses in here so well done!

The day started with the rush of thrill is now collapsing on my slouchy frame, slippery hands coiled around the rubbery handle throbbing from the blisters. Sweat dripping from my brows, blurrying the road snaking in the high mountain passes. Smell of sweat choked my nasal pathways, obstructing the smell of pines. Sun blasting heat in all it’s glory, baking my nape. Parched lips and withered throat yearning for some mercy from the heaven. Every push to the pedal seems like a heavy maneuver, my thighs crumbling under the tension of gravity.

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The first sentence is great, it makes us feel time passing, as well as that post-workout tired feeling when you are worn out but still feel some after effects of the adrenaline. The sweat blurrying the road is very effective. It lets us feel the sting of sweat in our eyes, the running of the sweat down our forehead, and the blur effect of it in our eyes to our vision. Since you used sweat in the second sentence, I would suggest using a different word in your third sentence. What does sweat smell like to you? Maybe something like saline-metalic aroma choked my nasal pathways. Something like that. The parched throat is especially effective because that raw feeling in the throat emphasizes our heavy, worn out chest and bodies. Great job!

The mountain stands before a phalanx to my cavalry charge. Five tress whiz past for every one in the distance. My lips tug in a smirk as the hum of modernity sounds my charge. I float past, dodging gravity’s spear, my thighs’ old enemy. Not this time. In defiance, my feet whirl moving the horizon behind me as I go for the leader’s crown, toppling it victoriously. My wings glide outward as I ride my chariot down on the wind. For these few moments, time stops and I just am. Worries, thoughts, fear all fallen on the battlefield, only calm quiet of peace remains. Lightning bugs cheer in streaking celebration as I fly past.

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I like the sense of motion you have built with five trees whizzing past for each one in the distance - that is a really neat way of simultaneously portraying the thrill of the speed you are going with how still and peaceful it feels to be on the bike!

The line where the road meets the sky ever calls my chorded legs to churn, spinning my feet like the orbiting moons of Saturn. Ketogenic taste on the in-breath keeps the forward momentum in my burning muscles. The forest blurs to the sides of my vision as thoughts blur past my mind, and like the horizon I find a stillness in the center of it all. The rhythm of has been established; I can even hear it in the rattle of the spokes and the pressurized dance between rubber and road.

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Lovely metaphor of the pedals “orbiting” - a new connection I have never made! I like the effect you have used of the forest blurring with your thoughts, and how you have captured that meditative stillness above the noise. We can really hear the clinks and the sound of the tyres on the tarmac in our minds. A very well-written piece well done!

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Pieces of gravel fly under my feet. I am a human cyclone. Each second the lactic acid builds in my fibers, the pressure builds like the sun under a magnifying glass. The black tar strung ahead of me for miles taunts me, and I fall under it’s spell. It whispers in my ear words I cannot hear, but its song is sweet and clear. There is no stopping, there is no slowing down. My sweat glues my clothes to my back. Under my helmet, my head pulses, as if it were a bird escaping from the the jaws of a cat. The hawk has been circling me for miles now. The sweat of my lip is my only nourishment. I drink the salty nectar and my skin feels as thin as gauze. I swallow balloons of air and I grow light. The burning in my thighs eases itself, and I’m flying. My mind has slipped into a silk night gown and watches the cool desert sun paint the sky lilac in untethered euphoria. My body continues working under the sun like a machine, in a crazed fugue of fury.

My tires whisper a soothing lullaby. So vastly different from the harsh wind attacking my ear drums. A choir of birds are practicing for a recital in the treetops above. A fast moving mosaic of grey and black zips below me. White laser beams shoot past to the right of me. In my peripheral, blurred and smudged are the greens and browns of summer. The never ending wind cools my overheated body and brings with it, whiffs of manure and compost from nearby farms. I feel the blood rush out of my legs as i stop pedalling and we descend. I sigh in relief.

Great job. One thing that I noticed in your first line is the addition of an adjective that was not necessary. A lullaby implies “soothing”. I had a lot of this problem as well. The root of language is in nouns and verbs. The more we focus on those, the heavier the hit. However, if you wanted to throw in tension, you could use an unexpected adjective. Something like “The tires whisper a disturbing lullaby” or whatever. Your third sentence is excellent on this point. Your use of nouns and verbs convey a very clear image. The scent sensory language of “manure and compost from farms” is really great. The relief of finally going downhill is also a good internal sensory contrasted with the exhaustion felt earlier.

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Thanks that makes a tonne of sense now upon reading it back