I like the different “dark” scenes you tied in the expand the meaning of dark coffee, like zombies, underpaid labor, slavery, black waterfall, nice job weaving all those concepts together to talk about coffee in a way that felt pretty seamless. This is super good!
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Unreal!
The way you blend the careful truth into the being themselves is incredible! And the way it’s written makes the truth almost sound deceptive waiting in the darkness for her turn. Really beautiful stuff
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I love that abandoned bench phrase! Thank you for your feedback. I thought I got a little "tell-y"during some of it, and this really helps.
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The personification of truth is interesting, especially with your use of second person point of view. It almost brings an ominous warning type of feel. The flow of the language is really interesting, being the shadow between your heart and gut, and then feeling the internal expansion of the diaphragm (which is right there!). That is interesting, almost foreshadowing, and feeding that warning feeling. And then, the way the foreboding becomes almost a lie-in-wait to reveal something positive is a great way to mess with the expectations of the reader. Rather than the warning being for something dangerous, it is a warning of potential beauty that comes with the truth. Really like it!
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Pianos really do take on a personifiable presence in the rooms that they stand in, and I like this moment of relationship with it that you have captured. I know I have felt everything along the spectrum from the fullest love to the most fractured levels of resentment toward my piano, so it is a big field which you have dived into successfully sensually - great work!
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I feel your writing has become tangibly more sensory based Hugh, which is fantastic! I like how you are marrying these abstract concepts like the joy and misery with vivid scents and imagery, like the black waterfall of coffee dust. The screaming match and the overworking heart capture the internal sensations of caffeine very effectively - well done!
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This is outstanding writing Maddie! The way you have painted truth is so original and yet the themes you are pointing to come across as so familiar, which I think is what the whole objective of art is - fantastic stuff!
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Dark Eyes
I feel the heat of her laser focused stare, piercing right through me. I shift slightly to avert my field of vision. “How are you?” she asks, brazenly, while inching toward me. I feel a shiver run up my spine. I can’t contort myself away from her aggressive collision. I lift my eyes slightly to see the corners of her lips upturned, as though she’s forcing a smile. Her lips are thin and cartoon-like, and bone dry, and her eyes are grey and empty. I wonder if she can hear my heart beating violently. She places an unwelcome clammy hand on my back, and I think it’s searing my skin… “Are you mad at me?” She asks. My knees are jello, and I’m visibly trembling at this point. I open my mouth slowly, and exert all the energy I have left to respond… “No, of course not.” I see her jaw muscles tensing, and her nostrils widen. She inhales one long breath, then takes her hand off my back, hovering it over my shirt for a lingering moment. “Okay” she said. “Just checking in.”
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@WLDFLOW3R I really like the narrative here. It is very interesting and really had me in the character’s place. However, there are some points where your use of adverbs kind of start falling into the “tell” rather than the “show”. This is a very common thing (and one that I am victim of often). Sometimes when we overuse adjectives and adverbs, we remove freedom for the reader/listener to be brought into the world we create. For instance, you say she asked “brazenly”. This is ok, but the protagonist has just shifted “slightly” in the line before. So, is there something in the antagonist that made the protagonist perceive the brazenness? Did she ask with “steel in her voice”? Did she ask with “lasers dripping from her tongue”? In a few sentences, you “lift your eyes slightly”. What it seems is happening is that the protagonist is “sheepish” and that comes through. But maybe you could show it by saying something like “our eyes were similarly polarized magnets, repelling my attempts to glance upward.” (I know I used “similarly” in the example, but it is not describing the actions of the characters, but the image). Then, the heart beats “violently”. Again, you have an opportunity to describe why the heart is beating so hard. “I wonder if she sees the prisoner in my chest pounding at the bars of the rib prison, attempting escape” - this gives a desperate-type feel. Or “I wonder if she can feel my heart growling, groaning, hissing towards unknowing prey” - This one would make it a little more angry. “Visibly trembling” is kind of similar. Most trembling is visible, so what are you trying to get the reader to experience here? I am not saying avoid adverbs or adjectives, but if we can train ourselves to use them purposefully, we invite the reader/listener to place themselves empathically into our world.
Again, this is really great writing, and I love the scene. But as start taking these ideas and putting them in song form, things like overusing adverbs can become a hindrance. Great job, and keep it up!
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I know I say this a lot, but I really do appreciate the feedback. So, what you’re saying is that I should try to cut back on the adverbs by “showing.” I think I was trying to show by using adverbs. 
I can certainly work on that moving forward, and really appreciate the advice. Writing is very new to me, and even some of these basic concepts are still things I’m trying to wrap my head around. I understand emotion, and explaining a feeling, but doing it with form and structure and restraint is difficult. I appreciate this site and all the interaction I’ve gotten from you guys. I wish there was an in person version of this!
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You are doing great! And yes, it is not that adverbs and adjectives are bad at all. It’s just that often they begin to to stray toward telling rather than showing. Think about it like this: (Adjective example) “She is beautiful” vs “Her hair is soft seaweed floating to her shoulders inviting the suitors to rest and feast in its safety, her eyes were lures glistening on waves of ivory skin.” I am not saying that is the best writing, and it is certainly wordy, but it invites the reader to be a part of scene. (Adverb example): “She speaks boldly” vs “Her voice thundered across the chasm, echoes reverberating within the caves on the faces of cliffs. The audience was hypnotized, the way each syllable was precise. A master forging concepts bewteen their mallei and incudes, spiraling into glory within cochleae.” Again, these are just examples that I came up with really quickly, but hopefully they demonstrate a little how images can really engage the listener. In song form, there are going to be times when adverbs and adjectives are the right fit, but in our exploring mode, it is good to reach out broadly.
Cautionary note: You can see that I wrote a lot in the example, and the main criticism I draw from others (rightfully so) on this site is my lack of conciseness. So, take my advice with a grain of salt, but it is definitely something worth exploring and see if you like the results.
Boastful Beauty
In broad strokes, their looks are loud. Strutting into the room, any gravity circling is sucked into them, a black hole as radiant as the sun. One longs for a taste, and they know it, their champagne to the brim beauty gives everyone a sip, leaving everyone sick and unsatisfied. They brush by, a comb seeking out any hair who doesn’t know they’re there, their attitude suffocating.
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Nice work David! great way of describing individuals without ever saying there was a person involved. The beauty being a champagne filled to brim giving everyone a sip and making them sick is fantastic! As to is the black hole as radiant as the sun! definitely captures the attention seekers at parties I’ve been to.
Prompt: Dark Freedom
Pristine rubber nearly vaults me out of my shoes with each step into the stretched, blue sky. I taunt Sisyphus as I drag the summit towards me in my ascent. Straining arches and burning stitches conspire to sabotage me, but the nearing summit defends me until my final steps to the throne. I ascend to my fated spot, overlooking my kingdom. I inscribe the panoramic view into digital history before taking my throne.
Father time’s whip cracked each second away. My fingers blur with prophetic efficiency, stitching my fate into each sole. Hundreds of other marionettes fill the floor, mirroring my every move. At least this puppeteer gifted me a cushion, a luxury that I didn’t have at the phone shop. The smell of burning plastic still burned my nose.
I have to admit, the first portion kind of loses me, but I think I am seeing that there is a change in perspective here. I think I am getting that there is a supervisor in a shoe factory, who is still expected to fabricate. So, while he sees his ascent to his supervisorship, he also kind of resents it because he is still doing the grunt work? The coherence aside, you make good use of many senses. Fingers blurring, sitting cushion, burning plastic, taunting Sisyphus, straining arches… It is very vivid.
Yep! there is an attempt to change the perspective but not a supervisor.
One is supposed to be the perspective of freedom gained in the western world–new sneakers to hike, free time, cell phone. The other is supposed to be the ignored, dark side of the freedom in the places where we ignore the conditions of the workers. I’ll have to try to be more overt about it but it is tough to execute in the time-frame.
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careful hammer
a quiet ding like a key in the higher octave of a xylophone, mallets felt and soft tips clocking each brass tine until ringing resonances fill the room. like crystal wine glass rims rubbed with a forefinger, gentle notes sing from bitter red wine. the scent fills the air at the dim dinner table, just one light a warm plastic candle flickers in between us. i toy with the clicky switch on the underside, extinguishing the faux flame without a huff or puff or wavering flames in cold breath, brain froze, mouth numb from blue raspberry pops and gnawed plastic, stained like night time. otter pop wrapper chains tied. the tip of my grape tinted with white specks from freezer burn. rock solid knocking on the marble countertop like knuckles. sweet syrup oozes from the corners of my mouth where my baby teeth are knocked out. screeching laughing and shuttered teeth
angry weather
wind
have we made you mad
the rustling of the leaves once gentle like a whisper in the ear
now brutal as withering branches shed their leaves
sad looking trees
weeping towards the sidewalk, scorching pavement worn down by rubber wheels and soles
the air is dense with an unnatural fog
a charred wind that darkens natures color
like peering through a tinted window
the crinkling of the leaves by the car tires is muted by heavy mini van doors
the shrieks of rodents crinkling their noses at the last morning sun
i smell the drifting cigarette smoke
the pulsating embers die on the sidewalk flicked off a lit cigarette
in a matrix of grey buildings that block the sun
she shines brighter
My feet are blocks of ice, not capable of feeling any more. Sludging through the marshy grass. Surreal, white light engulfs the sky for a second, highlighting an angry tree to my left, flailing its bare arms, warning the gods that he is not to be messed with. Stinging from cold, harsh, whistling winds, my ears frighteningly await another excruciating bang.
I feel like I am struggling with sensory writing. Does anyone have any advice or know of any more basic exercises that I can do to improve my creative writing skills in general? Words have never been a strong point of mine…