Today we are going to write in common meter, but rhyming both the tetrameter and trimeter lines, resulting in an “abab” rhyme scheme. The prompt is “ocean waves” - see where your senses take you!
The waves break on the dreary shore
Collapsing in a heap
They shout out their final roar
Then silently fall asleep
Youthful waves from far away
Have aged across the sea
Now they are old with surf so grey
And ready to be finally free
Not sure particularly well executed but I really like the metaphor of waves being old men with grey-haired surf exhausted from a life of searching etc.
Agree that metaphor is fantastic! The whole thing is nice and flows really well when read out loud which I find is a good way to tell if the meters are on track.
Could that last line skip the “and” and just be
“ready to be finally free”?
finally could be FINALly (almost read as like final-lee)
Each step will leave a print in time
Footprints of my past
Waters levels swell and climb
Cleaning my slate at last
Relief as sorrows get swept away
Power of ocean waves
Each footprint like a new book stay
New stories the ocean obtains
This didnt really work out as well as I wanted. I had sort of cheated and went back to something i had written about waves during a beach visit. The idea was that each footprint imprint left in the sand was a small story of us, and represented our path and the waves come up and wash it away cleaning our slate. And as it washes away the footprint it adds it to the vast library of human stories that the ocean would have. But trying to squeeze that into a meter is tough as heck
Work ha as been really hectic, sorry for my delay on this one.
Reverse the poles then spiral, pulse
And crash through mindless mist
Then wander round the streams and gulf
To pound the shore with fists
Explode in sounds of thunder crash
To spread destruction and life
Your shells are pocks, your weed a rash
You’ve carved the earth with liquid knife
(The last line lost stressed syllable count… ) I only had two minutes, so it’s the best I could do.
Nice stuff Hugh - it first reminded me of that famous Longfellow poem about “leaving footprints in the sands of time”, then I really like how you have developed this idea to having the ocean take these stories into its depths. Glad you found the metric execution difficult, as this is the same situation as me in having a really good idea but then hitting the inconvenience of having to go and execute it - but that is what practising the craft is all about and I thought you did a great job!
One thing I really admire and am inspired by is the fact that you get something down even if you only have a few minutes to spare. Learning to let go of perfectionism is something I have always struggled with - so thank you for your example in just getting words onto the page - which can always be tweaked later. And even for a quick bash, there is some lovely stuff in here that could easily make it into a real song - “mindless mist”, the weed as a rash, carving the earth like a knife - some really creative associations and metaphors in here so well done!
I’ll have to check that poem out, I love the concept of it. Its definitely the hardest part about songwriting is getting the idea across in a cohesive way. But! Thats why we are here!!
I agree with @jamie you get some good stuff out even if it was such limited time. Carving the earth with liquid knife is an incredible image
Wow! This is really cool. I really love the old surf with grey - the white caps representing aging waves is super clever!
The idea of the waves washing away the past footprints is a neat image. And, at the end where the ocean is actually, like, eating and stealing each story of those footprints: that is phenomenal