Another exercise in common meter with an abab rhyme scheme. Today’s prompt is “slot machine” - observe what happens in your mind in response to this image and write staying close to the senses. Good luck!
The wheels of fortune spin and stop
As smoke engulfs light
Connect the lines or dot to dot
To find the bars inside
Let rain the riches, drain my dreams
My wallet, weightless, cries
And tries to find some soundless scheme
Recovering chance tonight
The lights yell and the sirens flash
As the pictures all align
Thankfully restored with cash
I can play just one more time
Darkened days and lit up nights
Drinking tonic and gin
Waiting for that brainwashed delight
Each time they let me win
I’d like to single out line five for effectively employing internal rhyme, strong alliteration and applying the contrasting concepts of raining down and draining out to nice target domains - a lot going on! Also I love the idea of the smoke engulfing the light, but I wonder if engulf could be substituted for an even stronger word in the “consuming” family. Can’t think of what it is off the top of my head but I have a suspicion with a bit of thesaurus work there is a stronger choice there - any thoughts?
That switching of the verbs in the first line is cool. It is a fun way to grab attention straight off. I’m not sure if it is what you were going for, but I think you really captured an addict’s tale here. With the verb switches and the need for “just one more pull”. That brings a whole depth to it, all the tension and despair contrasted with fun lights and sounds. The tension between the enticing atmosphere and the internal addict’s drive is palpable.
People stare and cast their stones
Money drains away
The blaring noise of broken homes
Fills sinners church for days
Air is rife with desperate sweat
Needing just one big win
Win back the life, pay back the debt
Atoning for the sins
@jamie Both of these are great guys! I feel like you could blend these 2 together and it stays coherent. Both have hit on several senses and read well. I agree with jamie when it comes to substituting words. I’m not sure about you guys but I have been stretching my 10 minutes out abit in order to create something abit more refined. Not saying yours isnt @4StarViewMusic !!
Ha. I have actually had the opposite problem. Due to my work load, I have devoted much less time. For these exercises, I try to never use a thesaurus or rhyming dictionary. I figure if I get the notion to make one into a song, I can refine them. It is sometimes freeing to just use what’s in my brain without the worry of making it “good” or “better”. My main problem is figuring out syllable counts! I spend more time counting syllables than coming up with the words. The syllable count is a good exercise for me, but I am kind of excited about when part that ends! Ha ha.
Really good use of olfactory sense with the desperate sweat (which also gives the internal sense of desperation). You know, it’s funny, none of us painted slot machines is a very positive light! Ha ha. I think you could actually blend all three together to make something, and even more convenient, I think the order posted actually works. The only critique I have is that you repeat “sin” twice in an 8 line stanza. It is not bad, but I feel like “sinners church” is particularly effective at describing a casino. At the end, I feel like using “sins” kind of cheapens it a little. Maybe something like “with pallid pounds of skin” or something.
I agree with the using sins twice, I was trying to think of a better word but in the end just gave up haha
You’ve really captured the feeling of a life gone horribly downhill and the desperation of trying to get it back. How is line 4 supposed to read? Is it like the church of sin or the sinners’ church? The sweat is the perfect sensory word for painting both the imagery and the emotion behind this piece. Nice stuff!
The sinners church, like the casino is where the slot players go to pray type thing is what I imagined