Well done for the descriptions of broken glass - I think everyone is in agreement that these are challenging exercises!
Today we are doing the same think, writing from the prompt “sleeping late” as both a source domain and a target domain. We will form the opposite domain by using a linking word, here are three to choose from:
Feeling lazy
Conserving energy
Wasting time
So you think of another thing with one of these qualities, and then you write both about this thing using the language of sleeping late, and then write about sleeping late using the language of this thing.
Conversation with friends - conserving energy/creating energy - sleeping late
Wrapped warm in the quilt of friendship, our words pour over us like an extra hour of sleep. The weight of our day-to-day is lifted as we delve deeper past dawn, not allowing our eyes to open yet, gently forcing ourselves to remain still, to get lost in this world of our creation, fighting off any sense of lucidity. The more we share, the more the real world slips away and we are deserted in paradise. The long-extinguished fire still sends ashy haze our way, carbon lulling us to not wake yet. With one last sting of a high five, side hug, and pat on the back, our eyes open. Dazed and a little dizzied from such a reinvigorating time spent with friends.
sleeping late - conserving energy/creating energy - conversation with friends
The sheets and pillows want to hear everything I say, as if my stories are the best they have heard. They can’t get enough. And I can’t get enough of them. Through this time and essence shared, we each feel energy building and watch the bars on our internal screen turn from red to green. Deep in REM, an hour after my normal daybreak welcome, the mattress begs me to keep going. The encouragement warms as they all join in with support. I encourage them to stay cool, not to overheat with excitement, but just join in and live in this moment. Helping one helps all. Stale sweat and morning breath alert me that the conversation is now over. The bitter-sour-dry tongue from maybe a little too much talking, but well worth it. When finally we part ways, there are fewer hours left in the day, but they will be full of vigor and vitality. The best conversation I have had in quite some time.
(note: this one was even harder. I think because me and sleep do not have a very strong relationship… Ha)
Cleaning the studio - Feeling lazy - Sleeping late
Dreams piling up, filling every corner. Mind begging for just a few more hours to work out what that dream meant. Delaying reality, sensations of stardom constantly interrupted by loud noises of falling papers and tangled leads. The claustrophobic clutter wraps around the soul like a warm blanket, an embrace of fame still being chased into the late hours of the morning.
Sleeping late - Feeling lazy - Cleaning the studio
overwhelmed by the mounting tasks ahead, laying on the floor seems like a good respite. Eyes feeling heavy, and hands restrained unable to turn off the alarm bells ringing in every corner, every drawer and scattered all over the work station. Sheet music scattered like a unfinished dream, desperately trying to dive back in. Unwilling to even begin the list of tasks for the day caressing the guitar, spooning it like a new found lover is the only way to push back at the coldness of reality.
Agreed that this one was hard! Linking them both ways is by far the most challenging task yet.
That being said these are good! I can clearly see it each way. I think the second one engaged me abit more for some reason, I cant figure out exactly why though. But I like the line
I love the dreams piling up (I can see those lyrics sheets sitting there. ha), followed by the yearning for more of that same dream to come. Great use of claustrophobic to bring that internalized tension, and then compare it to a warm blanket (Outstanding!).
For the second one, the laying on the floor is really cool because it brings that tactile sensation of laying on a hard surface. The not being able to turn the knobs off (I took that as seeing the things trying to wake you as a mixing board) is really cool. You are doing really well with these.
Failure to launch career (target) - wasting time - sleeping late (source)
I have spent too long curled up in soft blanket of quilted security. Getting started is the hardest bit, and I am wasting the morning of my career pressing the forgiving snooze button too many times. Caught in a lethargic slumber of faded ambition, the time has come to realise my dreams in the waking world.
Sleeping late (target) - wasting time - failure to launch career (source)
Lying peacefully in bed like stalled career with no intention to promote my way into the day. I sink deeper into the comfort zone, the light of potential responsibility threatening its way through the curtains of accountability. I hear the alarm of fading opportunity ring out as I burry my head further into the pillow.
With mine I found myself getting very muddled as to which way round the source and target were, but you have done it really well here. In the first half it is absolutely clear you are using sleeping language to describe friends, and the second one vice versa. I shall take inspiration from this linguistic clarity - well done!
In the first one it is really clear that you are describing the studio using the language of sleeping late. I feel the second one is a little more confused. For example “sheet music scattered like an unfinished dream”, isn’t the dream the target here? Meaning it should be dreams scattered like the unfinished sheet music?
I may be confused, and I got very tangled like this with my own!
The first one is very concise and on point. Most of the sensory is the internal feeling and conflict. The comfort of the security in the status quo like a blanket is borderline tactile, but the rest is internal. I love internal sensory, but the other senses are lacking a little. And the allusion to the snooze button is my favorite bit!
I think you flipped really well. You have the stalled career being the laziness. The comfort zone is again mentioned, but could be little more explicit in saying that the comfort zone is about not moving forward (something like: I sink deeper into the comfort zone like it is my parents’ musty basement after I finished college… or something like that). Rather than the alarm of fading opportunity, maybe consider something like the alarm prodding you forward into interviews and rejection letters that lie just beyond the threshold or something. I am not sure.
You picked a hard “other word”. Failure to launch gives a whole lot of internal feeling and imagery, but is much harder to find the other senses. If you tried this again, you could maybe focus on what the protagonist status quo job is. Like, maybe he works in fast food even with a college degree. That way, you get fluorescent light, obnoxious orange colored paint, the smell of burnt fries, the beep of the drivethrough alarm, etc… That can open up more senses than the broad concept of failure to launch.
That is not meant to be a harsh critique, just a suggestion. And you really made a valiant effort with a very difficult pairing and made it interesting, even if it is a little light on the sensory.
You’re correct! My thoughts on it were the sheet music is partly written like when you wake up from a awesome dream then try get back to sleep ans pick up where you left it type thing. But yeah I do get abit confused with these ones!
Excellent feedback and suggestions - thank you! I agree I was so tied up with the semantic aspects of the metaphor I neglected the sensory work we have been targeting - the next one I will try to pour in some more sensory sauce!
Sleeping late (source) - Feeling lazy- Campfire (target)
I lingered by the fire, entranced. Its embers were sleepy, but continued to slowly breath red. The smokey warmth blanketed my skin and quieted my mind. It was an unhurried dream, glowing white and cozy, lulling me in, inviting me to stay.
Campfire (source) - Feeling lazy -Sleeping late (target)
The morning air was chilly and overwhelming. I cozied deep into a ball of blankets on my bed and could start to feel the heat warming my skin. Time was slow burning and unrushed, so I lingering in the glow. My thoughts eased into a smokey haze until I drifted off into a dream.
I still remember this exercise! It was a tough one! I really like the language in the first one a lot. Words like “entrance” and “breathe” and “blanketed” and “lulling” are really great at showing us that sleeping late feel. The second one (I think your title is backwards), is really good the way the blanket warms your skin. That is a specific feeling that we can relate to. The smokey haze is also a good use of visual and mental senses to convey a feeling. The main critique to me is the short length. It means that what is written is good, but there are more senses to be uncovered here and expand the imagery. Well done!
Tough indeed - I think these exercises were the most eye-opening and useful for me as you have to completely turn your thoughts inside out. The difficulty in doing this is a sign that your brain is forming new connections, and getting more and more elastic which is what we have to have to form interesting lyrics.
You’ve flipped it around really well here, I have never thought of a fire using sleeping language, nor sleeping in late using firey language - so thank you for the new connections and well done for a captivating piece!
Well picked up on the title @4StarViewMusic (which I have just corrected) - it’s great to have a lawyer’s eye on the case!