Today we are going to take the list of nouns from yesterday, but instead of them being the targets, we will make them the sources.
- Maple tree
So what can you describe using the metaphor of a cathedral or a policeman etc? You can choose any target noun that you like. We learnt a few days ago that working this way around seems to be much more challenging, so good luck!
Moon - Policeman
The moon overlooks its precinct shortly after its last cup of burnt, stale coffee from the diner on the other side of the world. His halo of officer blue is no subtle hint of the donuts it desires. His face is scarred from run-ins with various perps from long ago, but his countenance still shines bright, always hoping to make a difference. He took a vow long ago to serve and protect all within his reflected light. The stars on his chest remind him of that promise. On his days off, the neighborhood suffers from his absence, lost in the darkness. When he shines too fully demonstrating his might, it stings the eyes like blaring siren lights stuck in one direction, lunacy strikes those on his beat. Some look upon him and see a bear, a pig, or fuzz, but his duty is duly performed. He returns to his station, checks out, and and hits up the diner again before taking the day off.
Basketball - Cathedral
The awe of an impressive structure, massive curved roofs, unbelievable feats of architecture. Basketball is a cathedral, The hum of the congregation, excitement and anticipation. Following the profits and and every Sunday having a chance to pray that things will be alright. Running your hand over the leather bound bible, or ball, both as full of air as each other, brings a sense of purpose to the day. Holy water slips down your throat in the form of gatorades, replenishing the soul and sweat washes away the sins. The priest recites verses as the player recites movements of grace at the free throw line. Spectators astounded by the divine light that surrounds the most elite.
You really gave yourself a challenge. You did really well at connecting the event of a basketball game to a cathedral. I love the hum of the congregation, that is not only auditory, but also somewhat tactile because we can feel it reverberating in our bodies. The play on homophones “profit” and “prophet” is neat word play. The ball/bible thing is a little more “tell-y” than “show-y”, but I think if you did not explain it, it might not come through. The gatorade as holy water is another awesome connection. I like that the priest is the coach and the player kind of goes out and performs the action, kind of like “walking the walk”. This was a tough choice of words and you really pulled it off.
The river flows like traffic. Far away from the city, a trickle reverses out from the Earth’s garage. The engine gently ticks over as small droplets are exhausted, bubbling and winding over rugged roads, tripped up by potholes but steadily stumbling down beaten tracks toward the lofty ambition of the open road. The groaning hum deepens through the ascending gears as she manoeuvres down slipways and buries herself within the aqueous highway. A steady murmur meandering through express lanes toward the back of building traffic, patiently frustrated before reaching the parking lot of the ocean.
What a beautiful metaphor this is! It seems so natural reading it, the mapping between the two domains fits like a glove. I have bookmarked this one for sure - well done!
I was actually thinking exactly the same as @4StarViewMusic in that there were times the metaphor was too explicitly laid out to the reader, but then if it wasn’t it might not be clear - so this is certainly a really hard one to pull off! The mapping is really nice though and all the divine aspects of the cathedral colour the game very effectively. The point of these exercises is to explore the language as fully as possible, so really great work! Then if this were to progress into a “real” song you would be able to decide which aspects, say the bible/ball metaphor, aren’t strong enough. But we certainly shouldn’t be discouraging giving them a shot (if you’ll pardon the basketball metaphor) in this court!
This is really cool. I love the garage metaphor explaining how a slow small trickle becomes a large flowing river of cars. The only critique is that I feel a lot of build and a release, but not a true climax. The traffic bubbles, winds, hums, and groans, I kept waiting for it to become a hectic dangerous raging river before becoming frustrated and reaching the ocean parking lot. You have great words and images here, but I just really wanted to feel that craziness of fast-then-slow, weaving crazily, crashes, etc…
For what it’s worth, it also reminded me of these words from Thursday (Geoff Rickly is one of my favorite songwriters), the song is Cross Out the Eyes:
“Let’s call this the quiet city
Where screams are felt as a wave of stoplights
Drive through the streets as gunshots punctuate the night”
The jar of honey began to soften in my hands, slowing warming, like light peeking over the horizon. The sleepy molecules that crystalized overnight, began to wake and stretch out. Tiny gold flakes, reflecting the timid sun, shimmering through layers of amber, rose, mahogany and burnt orange blossom, glowing, like a painted sky. I wait patiently for it’s sweetness to fully awaken and pour out onto my spoon, so I can start my day.
This is a great write up. I am assuming that the source noun was sunrise? The slow warming is a great use of adjective to strengthen the line (as opposed to taking over). The molecules waking and stretching is a wonderful image because it is visual for non-visible things (it makes us draw on creativity to simulate the image, that is a super deep image). The reflecting light along with the various colors is another great image. The sweetness at the end brings in taste sense which can be very useful in drawing the audience into your world. The primary critique here is that you use such beautiful language effectively, but it is pretty difficult to see the clear source noun. I feel like the source was not very important here, but that is ok. Great job.
Stone steeples stand guard narrowly missing the sun, overlooking the city as reminders of the overseeing vigilance of the protection of the lord. For those in the depths, the 8:00 AM siren calls the lawbreakers in. I submit willingly and walk under crimson red and sapphire blue spotlights through stained glass to confess my latest transgressions. I step into musty guilt of the interrogation room and shut out the misfortunes echoing across the precinct as the door clicks shut. I dig up the confession list from the back of my mind where I’d buried it and admitted my crimes. I stepped out with the relief of a verbal warning and coins clinked my thanks in the donation bin. I left, smiling to the waving steeples, and turned into the nearest alley’s shade before taking off the golden band on my finger, burying the promise in my pocket, as I make my way to my coffee date.
Using the steeples as sentinels is a good start, though the end of the first sentence got a little words (more telly than showy). You could likely condense it a little by saying: “Stone steeples stand guard narrowly missing the sun, the Lord’s sentinels”, which basically says the same thing in fewer words. The second sentence is strange, as usually sirens disburse outlaws, not draw them in. I like making the church bell a siren, but something seems off. The third sentence, I feel like “submit” already has a “willingly” element to the word, so I am not sure “willingly” does much here. The stained glass being searchlights is a cool image, as well as the confessional being an interrogation room. More could probably be written about the “interrogation” and “absolution”, as that is where the action seems to be. The ending is a good twist, getting absolved so there is more room to sin with less guilt. Good job!