Today is exactly the same exercise as yesterday, namely object writing in tetrameter lines, but today writing about or within the context of an art museum. Lots of interesting senses to play with here!
The polished concrete a stillwater lake
the reflection of light in a slow moving sea
The snaking trail of humans amazed
For non moving pictures a sight unseen
The three second thrill keeps moving along
An ancient brush stroke, a blip in time
Stale water is brushed, janitor Monet
as Starry eye children run away
(I’m not to sure the stress of children, like in that line I read it as
As starry eye Children run away
or It could be read as
As starry eye children run away
but then it sort of loses the rhythm of the words a little bit.)
what do you guys think?
Veins attempt escape from arms
Ghosts of yuppies’ coffee cups
Hover crowded garbage cans
Food and drink prohibited
All is dark beyond closing
Cleaning crew arrives in hours
Focused feet in measured steps
Goal in sight, a blur of blue
Purple, pink, and green or beige
Hard to tell when darkness dwells
Sirens blair once off the wall
Running now, no thought at all
Client whispers calm but loud
Plans for payment fill my head
Cars and contracts, girls and gifts
Wind attempts to knock me down
Open doors release me now
Heists are somewhat fun tonight
Counting syllables is hard enough (especially since we all have different accents… I’m originally from Mississippi, so I have a strong southern US accent). And trying to figure out where stresses are is even tougher. For instance, I think that first line has 5 stresses “the POLished CONcrete a STILL-WAter LAKE”. But, I think the emphasis would be different in a song (probably removing the WA emphasis in water). The same with the second line "the reFLECtion of LIGHT in a SLOW MOVing SEA). That is one reason why I never count syllables or words when songwriting, I feel like the delivery will show the right words the right way.
Aside from the syllable issues, I love the writing. It is beautiful. The nature-y words contrasted with manmade things, the brief enjoyment of seeing beautiful art. The brushstrokes being a capture-or of time is really amazing. The references to art and artists is really neat.
For what it’s worth, I think children is stressed “CHILdren”. So it is “as STARry EYE CHILdren RUN aWAY”. (I am not an expert, as mentioned before, but I think that is where the stress is grammatically).
Great job. I really enjoyed reading this.
I was reading through this like what the heck kind if art museum is this but then that last line ties it all together haha, my favourite line though is focused feet in measured steps. That could be a good line to use in a song, could be describing all kinds of sneaking around
I like this predominantly triplet feel - yes the starry eye children definitely reads with the former emphasis. I really like the imagery here of the snaking trail and how you have captured the sense that people stop for just three seconds to look at these master works.
Yes I think it can also change depending on the music - reading naturally I would disagree that EYE is stressed.
This is exciting stuff! You can really feel the adrenaline of an art robbery - very original would not have thought to do that and some lovely imagery - well done!
My eyes, they studied painted stories
Depicting love and wrath and sin
Displayed on oil glazed canvas
Fair maidens with supple skin
Pouring water for scruffy Shepards
Strewn about green pastures
With tiny flutes and lambs aplenty
The first line catches attention right away! studying painted stories is a great line. I also like the way you switch from an antiquated tongue to more modern one, to me that really makes us feel like we are in a museum mixing history with modern sensibilities. Olden words like “fair maidens” (I’m pretty sure not many folks say that in modern dialect) contrasts nicely with “scruffy” shepherds. To make that contrast a little more hitting, I might consider changing the “strewn about…” line to show something more modern to reveal tension with “flutes and lambs aplenty”. For instance, what if they were “strewn about fluorescent halls”? Then you have the modern and antique fighting it out again. Anyway, great writing. Really enjoyed it.
You’re getting the hang of it Crysty! You have really taken us inside this painting you are looking at, and I quite like the idea from @4StarViewMusic where you could play off this old-age language in juxtaposition with the modern setting of the art gallery etc - could be quite cool!