The scented invitation on the wind knocking your senses is a great image. I question the use of “suicidal” here, as opposed to something like “the executioner’s noose”. The rest of the writing seems to show contrast between the world out side being somewhat unwelcoming and the bouquet offering a soft distraction. The “suicidal” word seems to distract from the rest. Although contrast and conflict can be a useful tool, here, I think it doesn’t truly add. The tactile sense at the ending is really well played. Great job.
@4StarViewMusic that was a really valuable feedback. I really liked the
suicidal knot but I agree that it doesn’t feel in the right place. I can use it somewhere else though. that’s the power of object writing
I know we all see things differently, and I like the “suicidal knot” as well, just here it seems to distract from the overall sense of the piece. Definitely use it in something else, maybe one where internal conflict is leading, verses the internal/external conflict. We are all here to help each other (and that being said, also be confident in what you write. If you think it works, don’t let us talk you out of it )
Love’s hourglass ticked away. Each velvet grain riding indecisively back and forth through the air to its chosen resting place. The stems bowed pleadingly with each day. I hold back my wild snarl. I will not forgive her. Yet, they are there—out. Memories remain like remnants of a cheap sticker. I grab them before they protest. They do not get to choose their resting place. I ring their dry, shriveled necks in my hand; they fight back, stabbing me. They beg and plead for me not to bury them as they hang over a death’s abyss. The grave beneath them reeks of banana peels, apple cores, and mango skins. I ignore their cries and bury them. As they fall, they take the shackles with them and I feel light, light as a petal on the wind.
I, like 4starviewmusic, like the picture snapping time and time again. I don’t think you need to add the portion after it “a clock counting down…” because it almost tells what was already shown with the camera.
I do think there is more opportunity to show a bit more than telling. For example, I think “slight discomfort”, “fragrance fills my nose”, “majestically flows to the ground” give you opportunities to really utilize our senses by showing. The elixir you can taste in the bitters for cocktails was a good example that brought me to both a sense of smell but also kind of nostalgia.
Good job overall!
The metaphor of the bouquet to the hourglass is super impressive. The petals being the sand and ticking down is a wonderful image. The contrast of the pleading petals with the protagonist’s resentment is a great tension building technique. The thorns fighting back is a good use of personification, and brings in the tactile sense as well. A subtle comment: I feel like scrapping “a” before “death’s abyss” would be a little stronger, more finality. I love the ending where you bring it full cycle back to flower, and release the tension by being at ease. Great work!
The tall stems sway to the time of the wind, and nature’s fireworks dazzle my eyes. The sweet cacophony of smells draw me in like a hummingbird to drink in each flower one by one. Wilting, crumbling petals remind me that this precious living gift will inevitably expire. I must act now, palms and back sweating, to discover if my feelings are requited.
I like the hummingbird being drawn closer simile, and drink is a nice verb in that context. You could have made the palms and back sweating more sensory perhaps, although saying that sweating does seem to be a particularly visceral verb on its own. Well done for getting back into it!